Wednesday, January 24, 2007
One step further
After the chat with E, I didn't hear from him for some days. Thought i should drop a little email to see how he is doing... you know, it's not good to leave a grieving person alone for too long, lest they start sinking into depression or fall apart by themselves. I believe it was a good decision, cos E replied positively saying that it helped to know that someone cares. Problem is, i really hope it's as simple as that... I care, but i'm not too sure myself what identity it is that i have that is caring for E.
I still care for E in a sisterly way, and in a good friend kinda way. I don't know whether there's anything more than that, but i really don't want to think about it now. Plus... i lack a lot of faith, cos i feel like it's impossible given our different backgrounds and situation.
Anyway, i really got a shock when E emailed a couple of days back and asked if he could call me. I almost couldn't breathe, cos i think i was just shocked at the dramatic gesture... ok ok so making an international phonecall ain't that dramatic, but you know it's still kinda whoa... I am not very sure what he wants to talk to me about, or what kind of condition he is in right now, and what this phonecall would do to him (& me). Oh no, am i thinking too much? Am i leading him on? But how can i refuse, especially given his situation? I'm not just doing it cos i feel sorry for him, cos if it were anybody else, i am sure i'll do the same. Perhaps outwardly i'll do what i am doing now, but inwardly...
I just pray Lord, cover the phone conversation and sanctify whatever we talk about. Just give this whole matter of the phone call to You Lord, and whatever happens I just leave it in Your hands.
It's gonna be a day of anticipation tmw...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Just look away
I met up with my dance group for lunch today. Everyone was pretty much the same... all pretty much into their work, their lifestyle, their beauty & appearance, & relationships. Somehow though it was nice seeing them all again, it just felt different. I felt dead after the lunch ended. I felt like i was an odd one there, on a different frequency from them. I couldn't understand why the topics and concerns that they had were all so superficial. Money, looks, shopping, where to go, etc. Is that all to life? I tried to "fit in" by joining in the conversations, but honestly it was a little fake.
I really need the Lord to assure me that all this will work out for good. I know i have such little faith, & i'm not strong. Lord, please preserve me and keep me in You, knowing that there is true joy & satisfaction in having nothing but You.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
First contact
Finally, after almost a week of silence, E & I had our first contact via G-mail chat. I was so stunned to see his green icon, indicating that he was online, and my heart was beating a little faster when i initiated the chat. What if it wasn't him? What if he doesn't respond? And what would i say to him, without knowing his condition?
But strangely enough, he seemed more normal than I expected him to be. There's pain & sorrow on his side undoubtedly, but through the chat, E seemed fine. I dunno if he's hiding behind the mask of technology, or if he's pretending to be ok, or if he's really ok. I really hope he's coping alright, and somehow I got reminded of what bro R once said to me... brothers can handle emotional things much better than sisters. In a way, I think E is alright. Thank you so much Lord... But it was just strange cos he could insert smiley faces & go "haha" during the chat... which I thought was crazy... i even wondered if he's so full of grief that he's gone a bit crazy, but that's just downright stupid. Perhaps he's really ok, and i really wish that for him. Maybe he's pulling himself together to move on & not dwell on it... which is a really good thing to do.
All in all, I can only say praise the Lord... and thank Him for keeping E in this time of trial. I will continue to pray for E & his family...
Monday, January 15, 2007
A heavy heart
My mind and thoughts have for the most part been on E today. I feel a little physically drained from the crying when I first heard the news, and emotionally, I feel down. I'm just worried about E. I wonder how he is coping and what exactly happened. Lord, You must strengthen him in his spirit and tide him through this period. If You allowed this to happen, Lord You must gain him and not let him be stumbled...
I still don't know why it happened. I really want to hear from E. Today had been horrible. I just didn't have the mood to go out or do anything; just stayed cooped up at home. Strangely enough, I don't know why I feel so much for E's loss. I guess this is the first time a friend of mine has lost his/her close one, so this is a novel experience for me. Heart's heavy... even thinking of going to enjoy myself doesn't seem so right.
I just hope that he'll soon open up & be able to respond to my email. I really want to hear from him and know how he is doing. Lord, keep me faithful to pray diligently for him and his family. Cover this tough time & supply them richly with the prayers & petitions of the saints.
E, be strong. I wish I could tell you all this, but for now, I can only pray for you.
I still don't know why it happened. I really want to hear from E. Today had been horrible. I just didn't have the mood to go out or do anything; just stayed cooped up at home. Strangely enough, I don't know why I feel so much for E's loss. I guess this is the first time a friend of mine has lost his/her close one, so this is a novel experience for me. Heart's heavy... even thinking of going to enjoy myself doesn't seem so right.
I just hope that he'll soon open up & be able to respond to my email. I really want to hear from him and know how he is doing. Lord, keep me faithful to pray diligently for him and his family. Cover this tough time & supply them richly with the prayers & petitions of the saints.
E, be strong. I wish I could tell you all this, but for now, I can only pray for you.
Petition
All things work together for good, to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose - Romans 8:28
I believe in God, and what He says. I believe in this verse. But it is hard to reconcile my belief & my state of shock at this moment, after finding out that E's mother went to be with the Lord in the recent weekend. She was involved in an accident involving 5 cars and a bus.
I didn't think it was fair. It's so cruel, so random & just terribly unsettling. Why does this have to happen? Why does it have to happen to E? It's not fair... he hasn't seen her for a year & just a couple of months more, he'll be back with her. Why take her away from him now? When he's trying to make good use of his time to study, when he's finished the 2 years of training, why can't he go back and be reunited with his mother? Why can't the mother have a chance to see the transformation in her son, and hear what he has enjoyed in the training, and be taken care of by him? They were close, and E loved his mother a lot. So many whys, but the answer is still Romans 8:28.
The sudden nature of it all, plus it being an accident makes it all the more tragic. I can't help but have some sense of hatred for the bus driver, who because of his drowsiness, took away 10 lives. What kind of logic is this? Grief turns to anger... need an outlet to just find out WHY.
Thinking about the box of snacks E showed me just a month before training ended really hurts. That was probably the last box he received from his mother. E told me often about his plans after training... what he wants to do, where he is going... but he always added that those were his plans; God can always wreck and change his plans. Probably he'll go ahead with them anyway, and yes it's gonna hurt, but he'll get through it. I don't know whether he will still remember what he said in this time. But I realized with some fear that anything can happen in our lives, and it's all for us to be gained for God's economy. In my puny mind, I just cannot fathom how this is to be, but I guess it can only be for the best. Our human concept of things is just way too off from what God is...
T said God really wants to gain E, looking at the harsh things that he had gone through in his life. I believe that, and I pray in faith that God would really gain E in a deeper way through this dark period.
E, I really pray that God would strengthen you into your inner man, grant you much grace & comfort in this time, be with you in your time of grief & pain, and fill you with a living hope of glory. Death is not the end, and the saints are praying for you & your family. May our petitions & prayers wash over you & supply you bountifully in the spirit of Jesus Christ. Keep open to Him & believe that this will work out for good.
Monday, January 01, 2007
2007
Coming back to Singapore is really a dive back into my comfort zone. The whole atmosphere is reeking with "Singaporeanism". I really dunno how to explain it, but if you've been overseas for a considerable amount of time and come back home, you probably get the gist of what i'm trying to shoot at. Some call it the 'kiasu' culture, some the competitive spirit that's embedded in Singaporeans, right from the top CEOs down to the ah-sohs haggling prices for fish at the wet market. Perhaps it's the intensity and fast-paced life we have here, that makes everything seem to happen so instantaneously and in your face. There's bustling activity & noise everywhere, and not to mention... the God-forbidden crowds... i think the gah-men should review their population census records. I'm sure there's an error somewhere. There can't possibly be only 4 million odd people on this little chip of an island. My estimates put it around 362 million. Hmm.
Well, I must say that I do appreciate certain things back home as well. As any true blue Singapore, I relish in the local delights & the fact that food courts aren't a cluster of fast-food restaurants like in Western countries, but a cluster of a real variety of foods. And the food is freaking CHEAP! I was so shocked when the chicken rice uncle told me $7.50 for 3 packets of rice. Having been so used to paying that same amount & more for just ONE meal overseas, it's great just to know that good food can come cheap :)
In the past week i've been back, besides engaging in the usual Singaporean thing - i.e. battling the crowds in town to get the best sale bargains (i must digress here - the variety & quantity of STUFF here is mind-blowing man!!! Do we import like too much of everything or what?!?! I'm floored), and tantalizing my taste buds with my fave local foods (although in a very careful way... trying to shed some weight here), the 2 key highlights of the week was going to watch Budak Pantai's "UnPlucked" concert at the Esplanade, and attending RC's wedding on New Year's Eve.
Budak Pantai is absolutely fantabulous. LOVE IT. You must get their CD - i recommend "Budakumentary" or their upcoming one which will be out in July 2007, titled (this is classic) "Budak jumps over the wall"... bwahaha... Listen and learn.
Was the bridesmaid or "jie-mei" for RC's wedding. Quite an experience... I enjoyed it overall & it was really beautiful. Simple and tastefully done, it really was a nice way to end the year. There were a few interesting incidents in that day too. My shoes were stolen & found again; the reaquaintance with certain pple, and a friendly photographer.
So 2006 goes, and welcome 2007... afraid my blog hasn't been much in 06, but i'll still keep posting stuff on it now & then anyway. Definitely more frequently when i'm back from overseas in mid 2007.
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