Saturday, October 08, 2005
Thoughts
Recently, something happened that made me feel really upset & depressed. It had been a problem with my small group, the fact that i didn't have companions in my group, given the fact that most of the pple in my group were brothers. It had been bugging me for almost 3 months already & yesterday, it snapped. I couldn't take it anymore & unfortunately, & rather embarassingly, I had to break down & cry.
I'm still feeling sad, hurt & quite depressed... not because of that incident per se, for i can solve that problem by talking to my tutor about it, which i am going to do on Monday. But perhaps the incident just sparked off thoughts & some personal reflections of my life so far. I've come this far, and i realize how small i've been, how little i know & how alone i've felt. In school life, although i had my fair share of good friends, yet there were times when i felt like i was just such an odd one out. In dance, i had a good bunch of dance-mates, some of whom i was close to, but due to my own selfishness & situation, i drifted apart from them. When i was in a relationship, i was so totally absorbed in it, in fact, it absolutely consumed my whole being, such that i could not really see nor hear anybody else. It's such a tragic thing that becos of that, i neglected friends, disregarded my parent's feelings & caused family to become 2nd place. And the most unfortunate thing of it all is that the relationship turned me into a person whom i did not recognize. It brought out the most negative emotions in me, turning myself into a paranoid, critical creature and i fed on this poison alone & quietly. On retrospect, i should have talked more to friends & seek out solace in their companionship, but my natural disposition is such that i think too much for others & i worry too much about how others might feel. I didn't talk to my friends much about what i was going through, cos i didn't want them to be bothered with my problems, or to bog them down with all the crap i was gg through. Plus, i didn't want to be seen to be weak. All the time, caring so much about others that i really killed myself in the process.
And those that i confided in at times, i poured out myself to them, but yet not fully. It was just too hard and already too much things that even i myself couldn't articulate or word my feelings properly. I was in such a mess. And all the time, i lied to myself that everything was ok.
Last night, i had a nightmare. It came back to me & i could hear the shouting. And i could feel the sweat & heat and the trembling of my cold numb hands. I couldn't get out of the nightmare. I don't know if it was just me, punishing myself by forcing myself to remain in the nightmare, but it got worse, as i dreamt of how i was slapped senseless. It wasn't true but it felt so much like it. I dreamt that if i had only called for help, from friends, from anyone, i might have been saved from the torment & abuse. But i was just too darn stupid. And too scared stiff to even talk to anyone.
Memories are a double-edged sword. They can be so precious, yet they can be so damaging. I don't think i realize how much it still affects me. Even now as i type, my fingers are shaking and cold, even though i'm sitting in a warm room. My heart beats fast & my breath draws in quickly whenever i see that face in photos. Why is it still so? I shouldn't be afraid anymore.
I'm really amazed & happy for friends whom i see still going on strong in their relationship. I know they really take pains & much work to have come thus far. I'm glad that as for myself, i do remember that i have a few friends whom i can count on, talk to, be comfortable with & who care. Perhaps i dwell on things too unnecessarily. I know that as we all grow into different stages of our lives, people might drift in and out of our lives too.
Regardless what happens, let us all look ahead. Hope the rain stops soon.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]