Thursday, April 14, 2005
The Nature of the Beast
I think human beings are really strange creatures. And it seems apparent that as societies move on and the ages grow darker, people are getting more complicated and complex in their souls.
Take me for example. Always had such romanticized notions of love & romance. Lovey-dovey and all things sweet. Life revolves around the person & everything was possible as long as we can work things out. Yup, work things out work things out work things out out out. Even when really rude shocks came along the way & things started to crack, you keep telling youself work things out. When the mutual respect for each other and the insensitivity crept in, up till the point that you start internalizing and assuming negative things about the other party, you still go on, cos you believe we can work things out. I made many mistakes. Ironic that when you want to work things out, you never really talk it out with the other person. And even when there was some form of communication, each was too stubborn to see the other's point of view, or just refused to compromise. Sometimes, you just don't understand the other party.
AND THEN. The beast shows itself. Man (the generic term) can really be truly dark. Didn't think I would have such "power" to create a monster out of another person. But perhaps it was in him too. Negativity breeds negativity. Everything going downhill. You know, the one most important thing is never to lose trust in a person. It seriously kills everything. No matter how much you want to "work it out".
Do you believe pple can be numbed? Like their emotions and memories packed away in an ice-box? I felt like mine was for the past few months. Didn't feel the pain or remember anything from the past. Numb. Blocked it all out. And now, i'm melting. Or rather, i'm "thawing". And slowly the past memories & incidents haunt me as and when they please. The emotions too, hit me hard when they occur. I hope i'm not going mad. Feel like I've woken up from a coma and realize what had happened to me.
I'm glad in a way that life goes on. But it hurts when you find out that the past has a present that is no longer yours to hold. Not that i want it back though... but you just wonder what has been going on ever since you fell into that numbness, that coma, and now that you've woken up, what's next?
I used to dislike. Then detest. Then hate. My goodness, can you believe that? Hate and love at the same time. But then again, i'm not sure if that can be considered love. What is love? It just escapes my understanding. Such a beast inside of me. Always being loved but never really loved back? Or even if i thought i really did love, it wasn't... I give up now.
Take me for example. Always had such romanticized notions of love & romance. Lovey-dovey and all things sweet. Life revolves around the person & everything was possible as long as we can work things out. Yup, work things out work things out work things out out out. Even when really rude shocks came along the way & things started to crack, you keep telling youself work things out. When the mutual respect for each other and the insensitivity crept in, up till the point that you start internalizing and assuming negative things about the other party, you still go on, cos you believe we can work things out. I made many mistakes. Ironic that when you want to work things out, you never really talk it out with the other person. And even when there was some form of communication, each was too stubborn to see the other's point of view, or just refused to compromise. Sometimes, you just don't understand the other party.
AND THEN. The beast shows itself. Man (the generic term) can really be truly dark. Didn't think I would have such "power" to create a monster out of another person. But perhaps it was in him too. Negativity breeds negativity. Everything going downhill. You know, the one most important thing is never to lose trust in a person. It seriously kills everything. No matter how much you want to "work it out".
Do you believe pple can be numbed? Like their emotions and memories packed away in an ice-box? I felt like mine was for the past few months. Didn't feel the pain or remember anything from the past. Numb. Blocked it all out. And now, i'm melting. Or rather, i'm "thawing". And slowly the past memories & incidents haunt me as and when they please. The emotions too, hit me hard when they occur. I hope i'm not going mad. Feel like I've woken up from a coma and realize what had happened to me.
I'm glad in a way that life goes on. But it hurts when you find out that the past has a present that is no longer yours to hold. Not that i want it back though... but you just wonder what has been going on ever since you fell into that numbness, that coma, and now that you've woken up, what's next?
I used to dislike. Then detest. Then hate. My goodness, can you believe that? Hate and love at the same time. But then again, i'm not sure if that can be considered love. What is love? It just escapes my understanding. Such a beast inside of me. Always being loved but never really loved back? Or even if i thought i really did love, it wasn't... I give up now.
// posted by superlambanana @ 6:14 PM 
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